Want to Engage People Successfully EVERY Time? It Costs No Money and You Already Have the Skills of Mastery!
When I was a teen, my sister and I bought the most expensive gift we ever gave my mother, an emerald and diamond ring.
For weeks we shared our anticipation about giving Mom the ring with our family and friends. The day we gave her the ring, we were revved up!
She opened the box. We held our breath. She looked at it. She got up and walked away. She went upstairs without saying anything. We yelled up the stairway, asking her what happened. Was she so overwhelmed she needed a minute? No. She came downstairs yelling at us with increasing anger as she took each step.
She yelled, “All I wanted was a bathrobe — no one ever listens to me.” My sister, without skipping a beat said, “We’re sorry. We’re sorry we got you a beautiful emerald and diamond ring when you wanted a bathrobe. What were we thinking?” I wasn’t able to suppress my smile. My stepfather was audibly laughing. My mother and sister locked eyes. It was a rough holiday that year.
Help People Feel Heard and Understood
In the years since, I better understand my mother’s sentiment. I’ve been there. Someone does a nice thing for me but it’s not what I wanted or asked for. They had the best intentions to do what they thought was nice, but they disregarded my wants. It is especially annoying when I’ve announced what I want but get something else.
There’s an easy way to get people to latch onto you and welcome you. Just let them know you heard and understood them. You don’t have to agree with them, just let them know you heard their message and you understand it. It costs you no money. It is not hard to do. But it works to reduce the space between you.
Want to Further Improve Relationships? Don’t Mindread
Have you ever done or said something that you assumed met others’ needs or satisfaction? While you did it with good intention, you filled the gaps between what you knew with what you thought without checking to make sure you got it right. Its common that we don’t validate that which makes sense to us.
The story we tell ourselves is just that — a story. The only way to know for sure that we accurately filled in the gaps is to validate.
Do TV Shows Mirror This or Encourage It?
The failure to validate is the theme to many tv show episodes. He assumed this so he did that, but his actions didn’t meet her needs, so she got angry. Then, by the end of the show, they finally communicate directly. That’s when they find out true needs and wants so they can take appropriate action. Of course, without the characters telling themselves stories, there’d be fewer episodes!
Let The Economy of Your Actions Yield Big Returns
Customer service reps recap the reason for our calls before asking if they met our needs. Their companies figured out that they get further by understanding the true needs and wants of the customer than guessing at it.
Forget mirroring the tv show characters who guess at what’s wrong and how to fix it. Instead, do what the customer service reps are doing and validate the issues, resolve the issues and confirm that the solutions work. Easy. You can do this! If I’m one of the people on the receiving end of your efforts, thank you! And I would love an emerald and diamond ring — I have plenty of bathrobes!
