Is He Rude or Just Deaf?

We ate in one of our favorite restaurants. It’s a large room with many servers and bussers. So we often engage with servers we’ve not met. We know the menu and the servers are well-trained about the food, so meeting new servers is no issue.

The owner is a no-nonsense guy and his staff knows to keep an eye on the tables and kitchen. Servers spend their shifts racing around the restaurant. But they haven’t been trained on everything, as I guess most servers have not.

Our server came to our table soon after the beverages were delivered. He told us about the day’s specials. He stood between our chairs and rattled off descriptions of the dishes. I looked up at him and my husband didn’t look up. The server was a bit peeved. He immediately was dismissive of my husband. He stopped talking to the both of us and only focused on me.

I could feel the shift of his attitude. He was bugged by the lack of attention. He rattled off a few more dishes, without description and seemed to just want to get the order and go.

I smiled at him. I looked at him softly. I told him that my husband reads lips and that, by standing upright between our chairs, my husband has no idea he’s speaking. The server was flustered. He had it in his head that my husband dismissed him. He never considered that my husband was deaf. This is why I softened my look before I said it. I knew the server would feel terribly that he made the assumption that my husband’s lack of attention was an editorial about the server and his role.

The server apologized — a lot! I told him it was ok but if he would just stand opposite us, my husband would know he’s speaking and could read his lips. The server was so bummed when he realized what happened. I felt for him.

This has played out before. We’ve shopped in stores where the salesperson led the way to the display or part of the store that had what we wanted. As he led, he talked about the product. He had no idea my husband didn’t even know he was speaking. I’m usually relaxed about it and just tell the salesperson to face my husband when he speaks.

But once I wasn’t. We were in a sporting goods store, seeking boots to wear in the garden. The clerk led us to the portion of the store where they displayed the boots. I stopped him and asked him to face my husband as he spoke so my husband could be a part of the experience. I was annoyed. It was the millionth time we’d had this experience. The clerk didn’t know I was annoyed but inside I was burning. He was a kid and likely didn’t receive training like this. My hope is he always remembers to look at the customers when he’s speaking to them.

Usually, employees are trained to engage the customer. They’re told to describe the product/services. Their goal is to best represent the company and make the customer feel like a welcomed guest. Customers are described as valuable and integral to the company’s success. But employees are not all trained to consider eye contact. They’re told what to say, but not to keep connection with the customer’s face.

Not everyone is deaf. Not everyone has a disability. But, even when the customer doesn’t have a disability, why not train the employee to look the customer in the eye? To connect. To smile and focus on them? There’s no drawback to it and the employee may never know how wonderful he made his guests feel.

Regarding wearing masks during the pandemic, do I need to tell you how challenging it is for people who lip read? Please keep it in mind if you feel that the person to whom you spoke with didn’t acknowledge you or respond as you expected. Maybe he’s rude. Or maybe he’s just deaf.